When I wrote here of knowing that I need to tell my non-rent-paying tenant to leave that this was the biggest step I could take toward my own vision of happiness. I knew that I had to stand up for my own needs and desires. I felt that until I took this step I couldn't keep on posting in this journal.
Over the past several weeks I have had visions of my house without any tenants or roommates, of having it all to myself. These visions remind me, of course, that I had gotten into "when X is taken care of I will be happy" mode. I have been here before. "When I lose weight I will be happy." "When I pay off my IRS debt I will be happy". I have learned that it isn't that simple, that happiness is not a state you attain and then stay there. Instead, I get a momentary rush and then the thrill fades.
Even so, some of these things are important and get in the way of finding peace. In my case, having a tenant who takes recyclables to a nearby center to pay for tobacco was a concern, but more than that having a tenant at all was weighing on me. I am by nature a loner. I get along with others but am not a social animal. It tires me. It drains me. The only reason I managed to accept a tenant for so long (other than my unwillingness to tell him to leave) was that he was not particularly social either! So we tend to go about our business separately and don't spend a lot of time together.
The upshot is that I knew I had to tell him goodby. I had to give him a date. Day after day passed and I resisted. I talked about it with friends. One understanding friend suggested that I make the date January 31, 2008, making it a full year that he has not paid rent, and telling him I am happy to be able to give him the gift of that rent. That sounded like a good plan and a generous one, yet I still held off saying anything.
Until yesterday. I put together a holiday card with some cash and a pizza gift card and told him I had good news and bad news. I handed him the card, said I thought it would be useful, an early Christmas present, and then I said I need my house back and I would like him to be out by January 31. He was taken aback and stumbled a bit but recovered gracefully. He said that was more than fair but that it might take him a little longer to be able to get out. I mumbled a bit about some flexibility (am I in for it here?) because I realize he has to 1) get a job, 2) get paid, and 3) have enough to pay first month's rent plus a security deposit, not a small amount in these parts even when just renting a room in a house.
I didn't feel a great sense of relief, frankly. I didn't feel a weight lift off me. Will that happen when he actually moves out? I doubt it. Right now I am feeling like I'm some kind of heel for doing this, even while I believe I did it in the gentlest way possible. I mean, I actually said "It's not you, it's me". I said that. And it's true, for the most part. It is hard for me to imagine being able to live with a tenant, any tenant, for long before I am not liking it. The exceptions are people I love. If one of those people moved in it would mostly be a pleasure for me.
I feel that I can now continue writing here! I have done what I needed to do. The followup will be tough, probably, but the bricks have been laid. I have done something I needed to do. By itself it won't make me happy. But it's one of those steps I had to take.
Showing posts with label goals. Show all posts
Showing posts with label goals. Show all posts
Thursday, December 20, 2007
Tuesday, October 23, 2007
We are in this together!
The creator of Joesgoals recently posted about how his cute little goal tracker is being used. The top ten goals:
Goal Users Checks
Exercise 3973 48112
Drink Water 529 17584
Eat Out 1201 14391 (negative goal)
Brush Teeth 357 11814
Meditate 661 11026
Take Vitamins 367 10204
Floss 514 9502
Read 489 8573
Workout 637 7935
Eat Breakfast 401 7373
I didn't keep the formatting but you can get the idea. So many of us are striving for the same goals! It just warms my little heart. I have a few of those on my list: exercise, drink water. I don't need any goal for "reading" because if anything I read too much. And I'm good on the teeth brushing and taking vitamins. I can celebrate the fact that I have actually made habits of some good things.
Goal Users Checks
Exercise 3973 48112
Drink Water 529 17584
Eat Out 1201 14391 (negative goal)
Brush Teeth 357 11814
Meditate 661 11026
Take Vitamins 367 10204
Floss 514 9502
Read 489 8573
Workout 637 7935
Eat Breakfast 401 7373
I didn't keep the formatting but you can get the idea. So many of us are striving for the same goals! It just warms my little heart. I have a few of those on my list: exercise, drink water. I don't need any goal for "reading" because if anything I read too much. And I'm good on the teeth brushing and taking vitamins. I can celebrate the fact that I have actually made habits of some good things.
Saturday, October 13, 2007
Are we just being trendy?
Wired magazine publishes a cute graph each month that spells out what's "wired", "tired", or "expired". In the October 2007 issue we have this range:
Expired: Getting smarter
Tired: Becoming happier
Wired: Staying creative
I should have seen this coming.
Certainly there has been a trend. I have noticed an increase in the number of books, magazine articles, and...uh...blogs...that look into the elusive state, "happiness". What I have found intriguing is that much of the research falls in line with my gut feelings - that happiness really is a matter of adjusting your thinking more than anything else. More and more we see what we suspected: more choices do not make happiness; greater material wealth (beyond a middle-level) does not make happiness. In other words, getting there, wherever "there" is, will not bring us nirvana (one of Gretchen's recent posts discusses this matter of how the 'process' of getting there should be the focus rather than the goal itself).
So yeah, it's a trend and we jumped on it here. Does that mean we should jump off and get into "staying creative"? I think not. In fact, creativity for most of us is indeed related to happiness. So let's just stay where we are and make real progress.
Wednesday, October 10, 2007
Using the fifth commandment
I am presently in one of those situations. I have a "tenant", a person I let stay in my place "while he looked for his own place". Sound a wee bit like my last post? There are some similarities.
Right from the start we agreed on rent. So that much is different. And intially I said it would be just for a couple of months. But then Paul brought it up: he'd looked at other places and how about if we make it more permanent? He had turned out to be a decent tenant - keeping to himself, keeping his stuff in his own room, that sort of thing - and he was working so I had time to myself. I worked part time so had afternoons alone in my house. I didn't mind having the extra income.
Paul also shared. He bought flowers. He bought wine. He supplied the biscotti and we both bought coffee. He took care of my cats when I traveled. So it was not a one-way situation.
Now, though, it is getting closer to one-way. Paul lost his last job last February. Or maybe January, actually, or earlier. He had money from the sale of his house (that he had owned with his ex) so he didn't rush to find a job. He said he was going to take a breather of a few weeks, then find a job. He said he was no longer going to be foolish and blow his money on a fancy car or motorcycle, as he had done in his misspent youth.
But he never did get another job. After several months he actually registered at the employment office but he didn't follow up. I guess he thinks they'll call him. But they don't do that. In the meantime Paul cashed in some kind of stock he'd gotten through his last employment and that kept him in cigarettes and beer a while longer.
He brought in some biscotti sometimes too, and shared his increasingly less expensive food purchases - bags of potatoes, bags of rice, split peas. He stopped going to Trader Joe's and went to Food 4 Less.
At this point I suspect he's clean out of money. He hasn't paid me rent since last February, which is why I remember that date. He's still doing anything I ask - taking care of cats, moving things from storage to here, hauling anything, taking out trash. I suspect he is trying to pay his way in this way, although he has always done anything I have asked. And he still keeps mostly to his room. We do share television time as our tastes are similar. So there is companionship there.
I have been playing with the "no" option. I know that once we make a decision our guts will tell us if it is the right one. So I tried it on: give him 30 days. How does that feel? Part of it feels good, part of it not quite good.
I am becoming more irritable. I think because I am thinking about this more and noticing and letting things bother me more.
When I have no choice about where I am or what I am doing I can make it work for me somehow. I can find the little pluses in a sea of minuses. Right now I am starting to choose to have a choice. But I am not quite there yet. Should this be a goal? How should I write it?
Right from the start we agreed on rent. So that much is different. And intially I said it would be just for a couple of months. But then Paul brought it up: he'd looked at other places and how about if we make it more permanent? He had turned out to be a decent tenant - keeping to himself, keeping his stuff in his own room, that sort of thing - and he was working so I had time to myself. I worked part time so had afternoons alone in my house. I didn't mind having the extra income.
Paul also shared. He bought flowers. He bought wine. He supplied the biscotti and we both bought coffee. He took care of my cats when I traveled. So it was not a one-way situation.
Now, though, it is getting closer to one-way. Paul lost his last job last February. Or maybe January, actually, or earlier. He had money from the sale of his house (that he had owned with his ex) so he didn't rush to find a job. He said he was going to take a breather of a few weeks, then find a job. He said he was no longer going to be foolish and blow his money on a fancy car or motorcycle, as he had done in his misspent youth.
But he never did get another job. After several months he actually registered at the employment office but he didn't follow up. I guess he thinks they'll call him. But they don't do that. In the meantime Paul cashed in some kind of stock he'd gotten through his last employment and that kept him in cigarettes and beer a while longer.
He brought in some biscotti sometimes too, and shared his increasingly less expensive food purchases - bags of potatoes, bags of rice, split peas. He stopped going to Trader Joe's and went to Food 4 Less.
At this point I suspect he's clean out of money. He hasn't paid me rent since last February, which is why I remember that date. He's still doing anything I ask - taking care of cats, moving things from storage to here, hauling anything, taking out trash. I suspect he is trying to pay his way in this way, although he has always done anything I have asked. And he still keeps mostly to his room. We do share television time as our tastes are similar. So there is companionship there.
I have been playing with the "no" option. I know that once we make a decision our guts will tell us if it is the right one. So I tried it on: give him 30 days. How does that feel? Part of it feels good, part of it not quite good.
I am becoming more irritable. I think because I am thinking about this more and noticing and letting things bother me more.
When I have no choice about where I am or what I am doing I can make it work for me somehow. I can find the little pluses in a sea of minuses. Right now I am starting to choose to have a choice. But I am not quite there yet. Should this be a goal? How should I write it?
Wednesday, September 26, 2007
Resistance is Futile
When I make lists and check off what I've done I like it. Yet I have a strange aversion to them nevertheless.
Years ago a fellow planner, who was in Toastmasters when I was, gave a speech that she named "listless". It was about a day when she lost her list. She always had lists. Without one she became disoriented, unable to function, wanting to sleep more. All the symptoms I feel just about every day.
This young woman is highly organized and lives in a spectacularly immaculate home. She also came from privilege so I managed to harbor a bit of resentment against her. I have always felt like the bumbling bull in the china shop and never was it so apparent as when I visited her. She was petite, attractive, well put-together, and lived in this perfect place, while I was big, sloppy, forgetful, unable to keep things together, and lived in a small overcrowded and undercleaned place. I lived with two understandably resentful acting-out daughters while she perfectly parented one lovely little girl, whose kindergarten and preschool artwork, perfectly framed, graced the walls.
Perhaps it was this envy or resentment that I let spread over into listland. More likely I just tend to see the overorganized as horrifying. So I resist.
I still resist, to this day, even as I use programs like EZ To-Do (a small listmaker that lives in my computer) to write up my lists. I fail to open the program most days, so miss the advantage of checking things off and feeling fulfilled.
Oddly, I don't have this problem with the goals program (joesgoals). It's just different enough. It tracks goals, not little irritating errands and cleaning jobs.
Therefore, I will add "use list" to my goals! And no longer will I have to resist.
Years ago a fellow planner, who was in Toastmasters when I was, gave a speech that she named "listless". It was about a day when she lost her list. She always had lists. Without one she became disoriented, unable to function, wanting to sleep more. All the symptoms I feel just about every day.
This young woman is highly organized and lives in a spectacularly immaculate home. She also came from privilege so I managed to harbor a bit of resentment against her. I have always felt like the bumbling bull in the china shop and never was it so apparent as when I visited her. She was petite, attractive, well put-together, and lived in this perfect place, while I was big, sloppy, forgetful, unable to keep things together, and lived in a small overcrowded and undercleaned place. I lived with two understandably resentful acting-out daughters while she perfectly parented one lovely little girl, whose kindergarten and preschool artwork, perfectly framed, graced the walls.
Perhaps it was this envy or resentment that I let spread over into listland. More likely I just tend to see the overorganized as horrifying. So I resist.
I still resist, to this day, even as I use programs like EZ To-Do (a small listmaker that lives in my computer) to write up my lists. I fail to open the program most days, so miss the advantage of checking things off and feeling fulfilled.
Oddly, I don't have this problem with the goals program (joesgoals). It's just different enough. It tracks goals, not little irritating errands and cleaning jobs.
Therefore, I will add "use list" to my goals! And no longer will I have to resist.
Thursday, September 20, 2007
Today I hike
One of the goals that I added to my list is "30-minutes exercise". My arthritis program calls for this rather small commitment just three days a week. Three other days I do my specific arthritis exercises, which I do at home in only about 15 minutes.
Sometimes getting out on the street for 30 minutes can be really painful. But I've been doing rather well that way lately. So I am going to take a smallish easy hike, in Atascadero. I like varying the hikes I take and I hope to be able to build enough endurance and pain-free times to do more challenging hikes again. In the meantime I am happy to find the easy ones and just want to finish without limping, when possible.
Although I have done fairly well in following this program I find that having a box to check that accumulates points (!), as in Joesgoals, really stimulates me to get it done. And that makes me feel good.
Sometimes getting out on the street for 30 minutes can be really painful. But I've been doing rather well that way lately. So I am going to take a smallish easy hike, in Atascadero. I like varying the hikes I take and I hope to be able to build enough endurance and pain-free times to do more challenging hikes again. In the meantime I am happy to find the easy ones and just want to finish without limping, when possible.
Although I have done fairly well in following this program I find that having a box to check that accumulates points (!), as in Joesgoals, really stimulates me to get it done. And that makes me feel good.
Wednesday, September 19, 2007
Writing
One of my goals is to write something non-bloggy. I chose this goal because it always makes me feel good when I have done some "real" writing. Something that takes a little more effort than just throwing it out there.
To be fair, blog posts sometimes do the job. When I think them through and write and edit and then post, I feel I have done something. Nevertheless, I am going to write just about anything, outside of my many blogs, just to get the juices flowing.
To be fair, blog posts sometimes do the job. When I think them through and write and edit and then post, I feel I have done something. Nevertheless, I am going to write just about anything, outside of my many blogs, just to get the juices flowing.
Tuesday, September 18, 2007
Other people's goals
Joe's Goals has a section called "Get inspired". Among other things, it shows a "cloud" of the most popular goals of the last seven days. Below are just the top "negative" goals in that cloud (you can assign negative points to goals like these):
alcohol
bed after midnight
caffeine
cigarettes
drink soda
eat out
fast food
late to work
procrastinate
Some of the top positive goals in this cloud:
eat breakfast (never a problem for me!)
bring lunch
brush teeth
cardio
eat fruit
eat healthy
exercise
get up early
housework
journal
make bed
meditate
take vitamins
write
I for one take some comfort in knowing my vices are shared by many others, and my efforts at improvement are also shared. Many of us struggle to do the same things. I am going to add "blog in happiness journal" one of my goals for every day.
alcohol
bed after midnight
caffeine
cigarettes
drink soda
eat out
fast food
late to work
procrastinate
Some of the top positive goals in this cloud:
eat breakfast (never a problem for me!)
bring lunch
brush teeth
cardio
eat fruit
eat healthy
exercise
get up early
housework
journal
make bed
meditate
take vitamins
write
I for one take some comfort in knowing my vices are shared by many others, and my efforts at improvement are also shared. Many of us struggle to do the same things. I am going to add "blog in happiness journal" one of my goals for every day.
Monday, September 17, 2007
Goals
Gretchen writes about her goals. You can write to her (through her blog - look on the left pane for the link) to ask for her list. The list will include a blank template you can use to set goals for yourself.
Among the many comments on her "goals" post were several that referred to joesgoals.com. This is where you can set goals and refine them, even assign weights to them, and later see how well you are doing meeting them. All online, no downloading of anything. And free. For me it seems perfect. I love doing things like this on my computer, where I can tabulate and calculate and see it all there in a nice chart. So I have started using joesgoals. It's fun!
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